New Years 2015/2016

1) What did you do last year that you'd never done before?
Passed my driving test!

2) Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for this year?
No and no

3) Did you (or anyone close to you) give birth?
No

4) Did anyone close to you die?
My stepmum's mum

5) Did you (or anyone close to you) experience a major life-changing event?
I got accepted to Teach First. My best friend got married.

6) What would you like to have this year that you lacked last year?
A positive attitude towards my body

7) What date from last year will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
05/11/2015 The assessment day for Teach First

8) What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Being accepted on Teach First

9) What was your biggest failure?
Not getting a lecturing job

10) Did you suffer illness or injury?
No :)

11) What was the best thing you bought?
My rabbit mug, of a rabbit reading Watership Down thinking 'fucking hell'.

12) Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Matt, for staying positive and hard-working.

13) Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Elliot. Urghhhhhhhhhh.

14) Where did most of your money go?
Bills, food, wine.

15) What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Being accepted onto Teach First.

16) What song will always remind you of last year?
None

17) Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
Happier. I get to leave the field of law.

18) ...thinner or fatter?
Thinner!

19) ...richer or poorer?
Richer

20) What do you wish you'd done more of?
Sex.

21) What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying.

22) What was your favourite book?
I've really enjoyed rereading the Harry Potter books (I said the same thing last year!)

23) What was your favourite movie (or TV program)?
Chappie.

24) What was your greatest discovery?
How nice Prague is. An American Diner in Manchester City Centre.

25) Did anyone come to visit you?
No

26) Did you travel anywhere?
Prague.

27) Did you do anything really special and memorable?
My best friend's wedding.

28) Do you love (really like) anyone or anything now that you didn't love this time last year?
I have grown fond of the King.

29) Do you hate (strongly dislike) anyone or anything now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Elliot. Because I didn't know him this time last year.

30) What did you want and get?
Teach First.

31) What did you want and not get?
A film studies lecturing job,

32) What did you do on your birthday?
I went to Zoo where Matt was dj'ing :) Matt took me out for a meal at Ning the next day.

33) What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Getting a film studies lecturing job.

34) How would you describe your personal fashion concept for last year?
Jeans, leggings, jumpers, jumper dress, doc martins,

35) What kept you sane?
Quiet evenings in cooking and eating with Matt

36) Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Laurence Fox

37) What political issue stirred you the most?
Nothing

38) Who (or what) did you miss?
Rosie

39) Who was the best new person you met?
No-one. I don't really like new people

New Year 2014/2015

1) What did you do last year that you'd never done before?
Got a book contract and film lecturing interview

2) Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for this year?
No and no

3) Did you (or anyone close to you) give birth?
No

4) Did anyone close to you die?
No

5) Did you (or anyone close to you) experience a major life-changing event?
My best friend's boyfriend got a job in Saudi Arabia

6) What would you like to have this year that you lacked last year?
Film studies lecturing post

7) What date from last year will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
02/02/2014 the day I got my book contract

8) What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting an interview for film studies lecturer

9) What was your biggest failure?
Not getting a hold on my weight

10) Did you suffer illness or injury?
A pretty bad depressive episode

11) What was the best thing you bought?
My kitchen cabinet

12) Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Can't think of anyone

13) Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Jon Shaw. Gross.

14) Where did most of your money go?
Clothes and booze probably. Maybe furniture

15) What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Getting a book contract and interview

16) What song will always remind you of last year?
None

17) Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder?
Happier. Matt has a job and I have an interview

18) ...thinner or fatter?
Fatter. Gross.

19) ...richer or poorer?
Richer

20) What do you wish you'd done more of?
Watching films.

21) What do you wish you'd done less of?
Binging on dominoes

22) What was your favourite book?
I've really enjoyed rereading the Harry Potter books

23) What was your favourite movie (or TV program)?
Gone girl was awesome, as was Interstellar

24) What was your greatest discovery?
I can live without anti-depressants

25) Did anyone come to visit you?
Julia and Boti

26) Did you travel anywhere?
Amsterdam, St Jean de Cole, Nijmegen

27) Did you do anything really special and memorable?
Spent my 30th in Amsterdam. Possibly don't remember as much of it as I should have.

28) Do you love (really like) anyone or anything now that you didn't love this time last year?
Daniel Radcliffe. Comes across very well in interviews. The Marvel films are pretty cool too.

29) Do you hate (strongly dislike) anyone or anything now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Can't really think of anything or anyone. My hates are constant it seems.

30) What did you want and get?
An interview for a film studies lecturing job

31) What did you want and not get?
A film studies lecturing job (not had the interview yet!)

32) What did you do on your birthday?
I flew to Amsterdam and saw a museum of cats

33) What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Losing weight, film studies lecturing post

34) How would you describe your personal fashion concept for last year?
Leggings and jumpers

35) What kept you sane?
Quiet evenings in cooking and eating with Matt

36) Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Laurence Fox

37) What political issue stirred you the most?
Nothing

38) Who (or what) did you miss?
Rosie

39) Who was the best new person you met?
No-one. I don't really like new people

A Milestone Day

Right now, I'm sitting in the library (Sackville) thinking about how to start writing my conclusion. I'm sitting in front of a word document with a list of questions I want to have answered, with the world 'Conclusion' at the top. Because this is such a pivotal day in my life as it has been over the past 4 and a half years, and because it serves as a way to procrastinate, I thought I would take a little time to reflect on this.

I feel a little sick. That feeling you get when it feels like air is surging through your limbs instead of blood, a bit light-headed. Trying to remain calm. Did I ever think I would get to this point? Over the past few months, yes, I did. But before that, I'm not even sure I allowed myself to think about it. I'm not sure I could have thought about it even if I tried. It's like trying to imagine what life was like before you were born, or what it will be like after you've died.

I started to think about being titled 'Dr' yesterday, in terms of, this will actually happen, it's not just a self-indulgent fantasy that occupies you as you walk the depressing mile and a half to Salford. It terrified me so much, and made it seem like there was no way I would be able to pass my thesis if that was what was going to happen, I had to stop thinking about it. In part, I think this is what is and will make these final stages of the thesis so difficult. I think this is what makes finishing anything difficult. What you will have achieved is so unbelievable, your mind just can't programme it, it will not happen, therefore you will fail at what you're trying to do now. So run, run away from the end as much as you can. Even if it means undoing everything that got you to this point.

That's the difference between people who succeed and people who don't. Far more so than the capacity of intelligence, more than financial means. Those who choose to continue, those who choose to finish what they set out to do. There are so few people at the top because there are so few people willing to get there.

I'm willing to do this. I choose to finish. And I choose to do it to the best of my ability, rather than taking the easy way out and saying, well if I don't do so well it's because I didn't try hard enough. If I'd tried harder I'd have reached the top but I couldn't be bothered. It was my choice to stay down here and I'm fine with that choice so it's ok.

That's always a lie, always a cop-out, always a way of coming to terms and living with your own failures, your own personal failures I mean, not of the work you've done but the way you've chosen to live your life.

I choose differently.

So, I suppose I'd better get on with this then, hadn't I?

What I Miss

I miss the days I would wander round an empty house aimlessly, crying my little heart out. I might have had money in the bank, but it didn't even enter my head to buy a binge round. I might have looked old enough for alcohol, but using that wasn't a shadow of an option. I remember the desperation, what the fuck am I going to do now, I feel like I have reached the end, and my body respected that, it cried for that, it wailed and convulsed and dribbled for that. Now I just have a bunch of poor substitutes. And I miss having nothing. I miss having nothing but the fluids my body would afford me. And maybe it left some scars. But I feel like I'm making bigger ones now. They're just not visible to the public eye. Woop di do.

Visions of the future

A modest sized flat a walking distance from the city centre. A stylish yet comfortable bedroom - bedding is VERY important, where weekend papers are read. A second-hand piano in the lounge area so I can reprise my youthful talent (ahem, I wasn't that good actually). A bath where I spend dull-weathered Saturday afternoons, sipping a glass of wine, surrounded by bubbles, listening to Matt play an instrument (he can play many, clever). Thinking about what to have for tea. Plans for holidays, visits to see friends, keeping fit, eating well, sleeping regularly.


Site I currently love: http://mycatisadick.com/

Nothing else

Just having a browse through some crime scene photos. Looking particularly at pictures of victims of serial killers I've read a lot about. It's strange to see what you've read described time and time again. They may not be real. They look real. Some of them catch my breath. They're not horrifying in themselves. Not in the way I expected - some sort of indescribable vision of the results of evil that transcends this world as we know it. They're just meat. The kind we see hanging in butcher's shops, just human shaped. There really is nothing else. Just blood, gristle, flesh. And that's not the human with something missing. I'm not suggesting that when you see the ones with the faces still attached it's like a person but not quite. They're still entirely recognisable as people, whole and complete. The ones that haven't been butchered just look like they're sleeping. The ones that have been butchered look like the ones that are sleeping, but bloodier. And this isn't perspective building either. It is what it is. Just meat. Just me. Nothing else.

http://vanessawest.tripod.com/crimescenephotos.html

Meet Henry, the newest member of the family

Soooo, I got a tattoo yesterday. I decided to get one Saturday afternoon as I was walking home from seeing Angela and Sean in Teacup (fantastic pork and fig sandwich). I felt blue so thought a bit of retail therapy would go down well during which time I figured, you know what I really need? What will really cheer me up? A needle scoring through my skin at a mega fast rate. So I went, picked a design, booked in et voila. My tattooist was Steve, a very pleasant and talented man who took the time to make sure I was happy with the design. Once it's healed I'm going to go back and ask for some shadows to make it look more like he's climbing on my shoulder.

Sorry about the dried blood, it was too fresh (read, painful) to wash. And for the record, it IS on my shoulder, that is not my breast for anyone who may be confused.

Next up: The Queen. Alien I mean. Not your royal 'I pay more attention to my nails than the GB team walking out during the Olympic opening ceremony' highness.

This lady's dome and body:

This lady's head and mouth:

This lady's colouring:

 

 Beautiful ain't she?

Diary

Monday - tidy. Work.

Tuesday - Gym. Thesis. Work.

Wednesday - Gym. Appt. Work. Lucy?

Thursday - Gym. Thesis. Work.

Friday - Gym. Pack. Home.

Monday - 4:15pm

Tuesday - 5:00am (interval) 8-12pm. 2-4pm (library).

Wednesday - 5:30am (superset) 8:30am. 11-2pm. 2:30pm.

Thursday - 6:00am (cardio) 9-12pm. 2-4pm (library).

Friday - 7:00am (interval) 10-12pm. 12:54pm. (laptop, film theory text, memory stick, trainers, sweats, gym tops, underwear, pjs, straighteners, meds, oilatum, moisturisers, make up, 3 outfits, toothbrush, angela's book, train tickets, keys, purse, phone).

Shit shit shit

I went to a coffee shop to reward myself for having got out of bed and going to my therapy. She said that I needed to reward myself for achieving things rather than telling myself off for not doing other things. She wondered if drinking was a reward. I said no, it was so whatever you have to do that day you can do it slightly separated from it. Like the psychoanalytical theories of the horror film, you are regressing from a safe distance. With alcohol you are interacting with your daily duties but from a safe distance. Of course more often than not you do not complete your daily duties, or you do so at subpar performance, and you binge and you go to bed feeling sick and wake up feeling worse. But anyway. A reward it is not. A coping mechanism it is. A bad one. But an easy one.

I had to check something for someone today and the result is not what they deserved. I'm devastated for them. So I'm drinking. So maybe it won't hurt so much. Wonder how many of my daily duties I'll get done today. When something shit happens to someone you love it seems to hurt that much more. The feeling is keener, more raw. You cannot temper it because it is not yours to temper. You want to help but the futility of your actions and/or words glares so bright it distracts you from your intentions. So I'll just sit here and cry and drink and cry for what good it can do. And hope, and through a drunken haze it seems fairly possible, that it will not hurt this much for very long.

Another Long Day

Another long day. The end of another long day.

Has anyone really thought about the connotations of placing these words together? Another long day. The day is so long, it stretches ahead of us so far we cannot see the end. Yet the placement of 'another' tells us that there have been many days as this before, and will be many to come. It is so long yet it is not isolated, and the end always seems to come so fast. So how long is it really? If we experience so many we have to emphasise 'another' what is it that we are really distinguishing?  'The end' suggests a form of hope, that this day, this long long day, has ended. But another. It is only another. The end does not refer to the end of long days, it refers to a pause, where we can consider the length of the day but know that it is only another, amongst a seemingly endless run.

There is a chance when it is no longer endless therein lies the tragedy of the phrase 'another long day.' But then again, perhaps not.

Rihanna's baby

I was climbing across a wall. It was very high up. I knew if I took a step wrong I would die. I stepped on a stone and it fell, I scrambled to keep hold of the wall. I told myself that I knew that stone would fall.

I gripped onto something hard, covered in soft red material. A little later I realised it was a finger of one of the people who had died on this wall. They had all been buried in it.

A girl was giving birth. I think she was dead. The fetus was only two months old. It came out and I caught it. It was tiny, it fit in the palm of my hand and it was translucent. Someone was trying to call the emergency services but they were being kept on hold. I kept thinking it was dead but now and then it would move. I knew I had to keep it alive until Rihanna came home.

Zzzzzz

Two people, a man and a woman, were trying to get through a swamp. I was watching them, as if it were a film. They fell to the bottom of the swamp and I remarked on how clear the water was and how unrealistic it was. Someone or something told me that is how it actually is in real life.

There were dogs tied up in the swamp. I expressed concern for them but was told by someone or something that they knew where to tread.

The people were still trying to get across. There was a shot of their feet as they took another step but small rocks fell from under their feet and they fell.

There's nothing more boring than someone else's dream....

I was going for counselling. There was a huge and busy waiting room and my boyfriend was there. I went to sit next to him. It was 10:45. Don't know if am or pm. His appointment wasn't until 12. He didn't know if he could get transport home then. I said he could come back to mine.

I went to tell the reception I was there. I didn't know who I was supposed to be seeing but I thought it would be the woman I'd seen before: Kaye something. That didn't ring a bell with the receptionist. He said the person I would be sent to was 18/19 and had just been employed by the agency straight out of school. I described the woman I had seen before, then she walked past and I said 'her!' It was actually Marina de Van. She was leaving and her name was nothing like Kaye. I thought that it would be a pain to have to tell someone new everything about myself again. Then I thought maybe it would be a good thing, new perspective.

I went to sit back next to my boyfriend who I noticed was wearing a baggy grey top. I told him I liked it. I didn't know what time my appointment was even though it said 11 on my card. So I rolled a cigarette and said as soon as I roll a cigarette I would be called in. I was.

I had to ask the receptionist which room I was in as I walked past. I was told room no. 3. I walked into the corridor and it was too dark to see the numbers on the doors. I knocked on one and was told to come in.

The counsellor was Jen, a friend of my sister's who recently got married. The room was the size of a large bedroom, and had a double bed in it. It also had a television and a huge bookshelf filled with books. She asked me to choose a chair. There were lots. The ones without anything on them were the kind of leathery swivel chairs you get in offices but something in the dream told me these were typical psychotherapy chairs. So I removed some laundry and shopping off a hard wooden chair and sat on that. 

The counsellor was smoking. I said I didn't realise I could smoke in there and could I please go back to the waiting room to get my cigarette. I did and whilst I was there I noticed that my boyfriend had eaten 3/4 of a chocolate ganache tart that at some point I had bought myself. I told him 'you cheeky bastard' and he looked really upset.

I was back in the counsellors and she asked me if I wanted any weed. I think the word she used was dweebs but I knew what she meant. I said 'really?' not really wanting to. She said yes, but often patients didn't like it so maybe it was a bad idea. I asked her about the room, she said she lived there. I asked isn't it horrible living in a room that so many sad people tell you horrible things in. She said she had to stay connected with the school. She laughed and looked round and said, all I do is read.

She put the telly on. I got annoyed and asked her to turn it off because I would just get caught up in it and wouldn't say anything for the whole session. She turned it off and sat on the bed. I asked her if that was a counselling trick, meant to catch me off guard or something. She admitted it was something her mother always did.

Blank.

Dorothy got it right in the end

5 large white cookies for £1...for my tea. Belongs in my tummy.

 

 

 

My Phantasm boxset, bought for me by my boyfriend when I got accepted to do a PhD. Lives on my chest of drawers.

My little skiing snowman Christmas Tree decoration. Bought for me by my sister, an expert in all things cute. Lives on my chest of drawers.

A photo that lives on my shelf of me and my family in France. We're channeling spirits here.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer figurines (not dolls!) that live on my shelf in spite of the desperate need for space for books and DVDs. Some things are more important. Given to me and bought for me by a friend and my brother.

Limited edition (yeah right) complete Friends boxset. Bought for me by me. Lives on my desk.

A selection of good, crappy, cheap, and disgusting DVDs. Bought for me by me. They have a nomad existence but still very much belong.

A figurine of a robotic bear making sweet love to a car. Bought for me by a friend. Lives on my stack of moisturisers.

The object and the concept. Bought for me by my sister. Made for me by many. Lives mostly on my desk/windowsill/computer.

99p cocoa butter. Bought frequently by me. Makes you smell divine. Lives under my robotic love-making bear.

A photo album. Compiled for me by a friend. Lives on my desk. Some of the photos follow.

Little tykes.

Young Rosie. Beautiful doggie.

Prom.

My Marilyn Monroe jewellry box. Bought for me by two friends. Holds many beautiful things bought for me by many and me. Lives on my desk.

The joke gift. Bought for me by friends. Lives in my desk tidy.

A roof over one's head to allow frequent lounging. Done by me for me.

Liquorice all-sorts

This is the first night in a long time I have really really wanted to swim in a river, and come so close to swimming. I paddled in the shallow end but that only left me feeling worse and more worthless. So then I began planning on how I can invest in swimming in the river before I realised what I was doing.

Floating on a block of ice doesn't work by the way. Trisha is a huge advocate but it's a load of bollocks.

This is all very self-centred, regarding what is going on outside. But then this blog has always been a diary, never a social commentary. 

I wonder if I should invest in a little poison ivy to get through these times. But poison ivy is illegal, and expensive. But then so is eating all the balloons in the jar. Old new behaviours that I really really don't have time for. And no-one can help me, I know this. If I have learnt anything since my first year in Newcastle locked in a room for a year with nothing but red tea and an angry panda for company the only person that can get me through anything is me. But right now I just wish I had time to knock myself out for a while. With a little swimming and poison ivy. Just a week or so. But I don't have time. It's my fault really. I get well enough to take on enough responsibilities to give me that much stress when I fall again and realise I don't have time. This is my career. And the rest of my life. And more than anything right now, I don't want it.

Tiddly Pom

Not that long ago I lost a jelly bean. Well, I suppose not completely lost, but it is not the jelly bean it once was.

Since then I have been suffering, at times, overwhelming feelings of guilt, then anger, then back to guilt, then fear, then rationality, then anger, guilt and fear all over again.

Not at all linked to the loss of this jelly bean, not that I can fathom anyways, is the random feeling of wanting to swim in a river. Today I was with some friends, and they were talking, and all I could do was listen to my own mind which was telling me how much I wanted to swim in a river.

Maybe linked to this is the stress of singing a song, a song I don't know the words to and do not know if I will finish, but currently my state of mind depends on my confidence of finishing it. And finishing it in a way that will make sense to myself and others. And not lead me to burn in hell.

So it's difficult to make sense of what I'm feeling, but right now it's all gobstoppers and parma violets.

Riots riots riots.

Today I got the phone call most working people wish for every day. 'You will still get paid, but don't come in.'

Unfortunately this is a result of fears of riots spreading to Salford and Manchester. In spite of tweets from the GMP telling us there are no riots in Manchester, nothing to back up claims of looting in Salford, and that the four burning cars in Salford being not of any connection with riots but in fact the product of a usual every day Monday (should we be relieved at that?) there are still rumours coming from people phoning and texting that something might happen. And my bosses are kind enough to fear for my safety over office outputs.

I feel bad now for my grumpy retort to my housemate's boyfriend, who told me there may be riots coming to Manchester: 'well I might not have to go into work then.' That was a result of a low mood and not of a complete lack of care and empathy for those who have been badly affected by these happenings. Promise.

So really, ironically perhaps (I'm not sure I've ever used that word correctly) when I finally get that phone call I've been dreaming of ever since I started working as a 13 year old waitress in a cafe whose patrons enjoyed barking orders at young girls and seeing how many complaints they could get in before the girls began to cry, I'm thinking to myself, I'd rather be in work.

Without a dope beat to step to.

Hmmm been a long time since been on here. Not much to say of any coherence or thread, just thought I would muse a little so I have something new to read when looking over my old posts.

Went to a wedding, got very drunk.

Went to the zoo. Didn't get drunk. There was a child and lots of animals. That would be wrong.

It is of course clear that I am no longer doing my no drinking thing and haven't for a while. My drinking is fairly under control methinks. When I do it I really go for it but those cheeky few that would give me a continual hungover state of a morning have all but gone away. Anyway....

Got some diet coke in my eye..

Watched some bad films...

Put a can of beer on my housemate's head...

Got my hopes up for a whirlwind romance....

Got excited about seeing a pub mentioned in The Likely Lads...

 And continued to perfect my alien/predator impressions...

Those earrings I have on were bought for me by my boyfriend as we waited for a metro in Tyneside. They are fimo liquirice allsorts and are now my favourite earrings in spite of being one of my least favourite sweets.

I have eaten sushi three times in the past week. And I wonder why I never have any money left.

I've also spent a good lot of money on DVDs. But I am a student of film. So it is allowed.

I have editing to do for a chapter that's supposed to be published next year. I have a chapter to write for a thesis that's supposed to be submitted next year. I have a lecture series in which I am participating to prepare for. And I'm sure there was something else. Oh yes, I have a paper to write for a conference I'm doing this September. Got invited actually. Shucks to me. Good thing I didn't forget that one. Should really write these things down. Oh yes, just did. No, I mean somewhere where I will actually think to look when I'm trying to remember what I forgot.

And that my dear reader is what I have been up to. How have you been?

New Hair

Not valid for travel

Not valid for travel? I don't fucking know. I forgo'ed my tea so I could have a glass of wine or tea, it got me on the wrong side of fucked, and now I can't make out my tickets. Valid for travel? I hoave no idea. I'm just gonna flash me tits, see how far that gets me. Still drunk............