Thursday, 24 March 2011

Nope Nope Nope Nope Nope

Sorry, had enough. Tis the end of a very short and broken era. Goodbye health, hello fat cells.

Wednesday, 23 March 2011

Two Items of Clothing and The Final Taboo

I recently bought myself a few new items of clothing. The two below are my favourite. A strange bobbly jumper from Affleks that already needs sewing up, well it was in the sale. And a pretty summer dress from Oasis which, my brother kindly informs me, looks so much better on. And finally my housemate breaking that pesky taboo of eating chocolate cake that has been left by a previous customer. In his defense he broke off the chewed bit.



The Best of Times The Worst of Times: A Tale of Two Cities

I had a great time in London, maybe too good. (Harry I appear to have packed your remote control and still have a couple of your DVDs). See pics below.

Now back in Manchester not so good, waiting for it to stop to be honest. Headaches, apprehension, dread, vague sense of doom (Harry I apologise if I did anything to annoy/upset you or your friends), inability to concentrate, tense, irritable, blank mind that I'm trapped inside with this stupid fucking wriggling thing that won't FUCK OFF. 

I did break my non-drinking for London, no apologies, I never go to London to see my brother and I had a blow out. Sue me. Perhaps these are the after effects of that. Hope so. Anyway here are the pics.

A perfectly swirled London Latte

A perfectly coiffed London Harry

Harry's room (He told me he didn't mind me posting these pics)

Harry's room, note all the Naomi Watts pictures, possibly second only to Nicole Kidman

Me in Harry's mirror

The first glass of wine

Yup, a picture of me drinking on my blog of sobriety. People really should expect no less from this one.

Beautiful spot outside BFI

And again

Outside a little Italian restaurant where we got eyed up and offered drugs

Me demonstrating my fantastic camera phone skills outside an American diner

My new fur coat

Harry in my new fur coat

Harry's friend Sam in my new fur coat

I don't remember taking this one. You know that time after the night before when you find tens of photos of you looking generally confused? Well this is but one.

Wednesday, 16 March 2011

London's Calling

Tomorrow I am off to London Town to see my brother in his natural uni habitat for the very first time!! I'm very very excited, so excited in fact I just poked myself in the eye with a makeup sponge. Ouch.

As well as doing my requisite research at the BFI I have a list of things I want to do when in our capital, to which I have gone only a handful of times. Harry, take note.


Do at least one tourist-y thing. Whether that is taking a photo of Big Ben, standing amongst the pigeons of Trafalgar Square (having my picture taken), taking a picture from the London Eye, having my picture taken with one of those Beef Tomato Fellas. Obviously taking pictures features heavily in this one, I will accept almost anything apart from Buckingham Palace. Yawn.


Do one cultured thing. This could be an art gallery, a museum. Or may the the-at-er darling? I would love to see Les Miserables again but I doubt it is a) on with available tickets and b) affordable.


Do one consumerist thing. I want to buy a furry leopard print jacket from Camden Market!! I'm very specific on this so it may not materialise. Even so I want to do a little bit of shopping, if only to take advantage of a fashion student's expertise. The above picture is actually Alexander McQueen, if I can afford one of those then great. How much does McQueen normally go for Harry?


London Sushi. I have a strange idea that sushi in London will be better than any other sushi in England. I would like to put this to the test, even if we can only afford a couple of plates.


Posh Shopping. I reckon we should get ourselves dressed up and go into one posh shop where they have personal shoppers and glasses of champagne. If not, I will settle for a wander down London's famous shopping high street, whatever that may be. New Bond Street? I don't know.

Tuesday, 15 March 2011

Chocolate does not a meal make

 
I have to say I am proud of myself. After a very slow start I managed to go into uni to do some work. I am now only a few hundred words behind where I wanted to be, hopefully I can catch up on that tomorrow and/or on the train to London, where I am heading on Thursday. I also stuck around for the evening public lecture which was very interesting and I went home afterwards instead of staying to indulge in the free wine reception.

I was going to do some more work this evening but as I still kind of feel like crying and am still thinking about the bottles of wine on sale at my local spar I'm going to say well done me, eat the chocolate I bought for my tea, and go to bed. Night all.

Day 18 - Positive Negativity

Seneca thought that optimism and positivity was the cause of all our anger

Yesterday was the worst day I've had since giving up alcohol. It's the first day I've spent in bed for weeks. Previously this was a common occurrence, either due to severe hangovers or just generally feeling blue. Yesterday I had a headache, I couldn't think straight, I had no energy, no drive, basically a loss of all the things I've been revelling in since giving up alcohol. It got me thinking (cue Carrie Bradshaw moment): can focusing on the positives ever be a bad thing? Should we be more negative in order to be happier?

My sister is moving up to Manchester soon and similar to me she has been in a funny mood. Moving to Manchester will mean being closer to family and friends, having a job that is more challenging, earning more money to visit her boyfriend...all positives, all fantastic. When something so good happens to us and we STILL find problems with life it makes us feel angry with ourselves, like we have failed in something, that we must try harder, that we have to snap out of it! That's how I feel anyway. But let's think about this another way. Moving to Manchester means moving out of a comfort zone, it means finding a new place to live, getting used to a new job, carving out a new routine, and, of course the worst of all these things, packing. No wonder she has been in a funny mood!

I've been watching a programme on philosophers recently and in writing this I am reminded of one of them, Seneca. He was Roman, living around 1BC and he believed that anger was the result of not preparing ourselves for negative outcomes, of basically being too optimistic. Although I am an advocate of positive thinking (not that I think it changes the external reality but it does influence our behaviours and perceptions in and of that external reality) this guy really might have a point. What did I think was going to happen if I stopped drinking every day? Did I think my 13 year relationship with depression would completely fly out the window? Did I think I would never ever have a problem with comfort eating and binge eating again? Did I think that fear of life would never cripple me to the point of staying in bed and ignoring everything that goes on around me? If I did I was an idiot.

Well perhaps that's being too hard on myself. I was being what we are taught to be, positive and optimistic. So when life came back to slap me in the face it came somewhat as a surprise and yes of course I felt like the ultimate failure. Well I'm not. None of us are. There are many hidden stressors grinding us down that we constantly fight against and when we occasionally throw out our toys and stamp our feet we should not consider it a failure of good living. And if we focus on the negatives as well as the positives, if we take the negative potential of our situations and hold them up as real possibilities, if and when they do happen we will be prepared.

I know I'm not cured of depression, or disordered eating. For giving up drinking to cure that was a fantasy. But days like today and yesterday, when the mere prospect of washing up makes us want to cry, are par for the course. The more prepared we are, the better equipped we will be to deal with them.

Sunday, 13 March 2011

Day16

I haven't posted much recently, I've been in a funny mood, up and down. Strange.

Laura came up Thursday and Friday and we had a lovely time eating sushi and shopping and perving over Arnie. Well ok that last one was just me. When I can be arsed I will post pictures of what I bought.

I just got through an entire weekend of work without a drink even though I really really wanted one yesterday, especially when I a) banged my head so hard I got a bump and b) a girl fell down the stairs so badly her bone came out of her leg. Quite dramatic. I do hope she will be ok and this is a warning to anyone who wears ridiculous shoes on a night out. A little muscle definition and longer looking legs does not make up for nearly losing a foot.

Lu is still in bed recovering from her first night working at Vanilla. She was thrown in the deep end somewhat beginning on our busiest night of the month Pop Bitch but she did fantastically well and has been asked back to work next week :)

I am cold and hungry. It is time to don a cardigan and put crumpets in the oven. It is day 16 and I have had one slip up but incredibly proud of myself for not drinking this weekend.

Thursday, 10 March 2011

Slip Up

I had two large glasses of wine today. I don't feel too bad about it as I keep what Jess said in my mind, if you slip and have one or two that doesn't mean you have to go crazy and drink the whole world. There are reasons why I had a drink, which I don't really want to go into on here, but it was controlled and appreciated. I will carry this non-drinking thing on with a little more confidence that I can identify when I want a drink and when I can stop.

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

Freud is dead, isn't he?

Laura's Half-Arsed Film Review #5



Last night I watched Lars Von Trier's Antichrist (2009) which was admittedly long overdue for a looksee from moi. You may know Lars Von Trier from films such as The Idiots (1998) Dancer in the Dark (2000, incredibly sad with a fantastic performance by Bjork) or Dogville (2003). I know him best for his mini-series The Kingdom (1994, TV) which is set in a strange and freaky hospital. Antichrist IS strange and freaky but anyone looking forward to a unique mix of black humour and intense tragedy with a false sunny edge will be disappointed.

Antichrist shows a couple who lose their kid because they were too pre-occupied with a particularly steamy sex session. She goes mad, he draws a pyramid, a fox talks, and acorns fall to the ground. It would be futile to attempt to explain it any more as the film is an unalleviated barrage of symbols and representations that, in spite of Charlotte Gainsbourg's prediction (see title of blog), will undoubtedly be subjected at some point to a reading influenced by one of the strands of psychoanalytical film theory. I predict that I will get far more enjoyment reading up on interpretations of this film than I did watching it, which even for me as a student of film is not what film is about. Each to their own.

The Lauras are Back in Town

Tomorrow my best gal Laura is coming to see me! Have not spent quality LQ/LW time for ages so am very excited. I predict sushi, shopping, and Arnie :P You've all seen this photo of the sexy lady before but I'm posting it again. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!!! :D

Tuesday, 8 March 2011

Pugs and Burritos

Love me!



Yesterday was the end of day 10. 'Twas a very pleasant day. I ate a burrito and found this top which I am certain was made especially for me. The gods of Primark saw me coming obviously. The cost was £3, the average cost of a pint. This top will give me far more pleasure for much longer, and it won't give me a headache :)

Today was not so pleasant. I had my very first smear. Not much to say about that really other than that was the first time I've ever put make up down there. I would very much like to go and drink lots of cider to reward myself for going but instead I'm going to sit in bed and read through Linda Williams and Tanya whatsername for my thesis. Far cheaper and more productive.

Monday, 7 March 2011

Biggin' Up Specsavers

This post is going to sound like I have some sort of financial interest in Specsavers but I can promise it is purely down to the impressive service I had there. The test was long and boring but the eye tester person was very pleasant and engaged me in mundane chit-chat. The best bit about Specsavers is the people there in general. They are (mostly) good looking folks who sport fashionable looking specs. There is certainly an agenda going on there but who cares, it's great. I was puzzling over which specs to get when a good looking sales person (like I said, they all are) came over to give me his expert opinion to which I immediately bowed.

The only strange thing was the young chap, yes I said chap, who filled out my order was either incredibly nervous or needed the bathroom as his legs did not stop jiggling the entire time I was with him. Anyway, see below for a pic of me in the latest spectacle trend available at £69 plus a 25% student discount. And if you don't like them blame a certain fashionably stubbled supervisor.

Hair down!
Hair Up!

Sunday, 6 March 2011

Total Arnie

The end of day 9 and the end of my second weekend drink free. This has been an Arnie-themed weekend. Yesterday I watched Kindergarten Cop and I have no shame in saying that I thoroughly enjoyed it. Today I purchased The 6th Day (see below for my most extensive and detailed review yet) and I am about to put on Total Recall as my 'going-to-bed-film.' My Arnold Schwarzenneger phase, my sister will be happy to note, has been fully re-ignited.

Laura's Half-Arsed Film Review #4

The 6th Day has Arnie in it so it is fucking great.

On to Day 9

The end of Day 7 was certainly a milestone for me. I was in work until 5am and did not have my end of shift drink or indeed buy myself any to compliment that one! I am now on day 9 and I'm feeling really positive about this. I feel good, healthy, slimmer, and I think my perspective on things is changing slightly. I still keep getting feelings of relief that I'm not going to be drinking. I'm also considering increasing this month to Easter.

New specs! I have new specs. I promised a certain best galfriend of mine I would be posting pics up yesterday but I was too tired. Today my excuses are that I am a) still too tired b) having to do boring work on a Sunday and therefore a little grumpy and c) wanting to talk about the film I saw last night.

Laura's Half-Arsed Film Review #3


Last night I watched Night Watch. I was suitably excited about it as it is one of those fairly rare films that are supported by horror afficianados and the general film going community as well as maintaining an air of 'cool' about it (probably because it is Russian). It definitely lived up to this, if there was only one way to describe this film it would indeed be fookin' cooool. It presents itself like a 1 hour 45 minutes long rock video of the MTV era, and there are obvious influences from The Matrix and Star Wars. It is also a supernatural take on the religious myth of the apocalypse, so there's a lot going on here. You won't be bored.

Friday, 4 March 2011

Ken Park

Laura's Half-Arsed Film Review #2


The other night I watched a Larry Clark film I borrowed off my fabulous brother Ken Park (2002) (That is, of course the name of the film. I don't normally follow my relatives name with a date. My brother's name is Harry by the way. I also have a sister called Angela. Anyway, back to the review). You may know Larry Clark from other films such as Kids (1995) and Bully (2001). I didn't, before this film I was a Larry Clark virgin. But now I am a convert.

Ken Park follows the lives of four teenagers, actually, when I say follow it's more of a prolonged snapshot. It presents these characters to the audience via an examination of their relationship to sex. There is a male youth (I struggled whether to call him boy, young man, guy, and settled on this rather affected term) who is cheating on his girlfriend with her married mother. Another who's father can only understand love in terms of acts of violence and sexual perversion. A sociopath with a three-legged dog who plays skip rope with the neighbourhood kids. And a girl who is living under the oppressive shadow of her dead mother that her deeply religious father has created. Book-ending these lives is of course the eponymous Ken Park. But I won't tell you what happens to him, just watch it.

The characters are contradictory and as a result satisfying and likable. Clark presents these unlikely events with an impressive amount of plausibility. And it ends with a thought-provoking, although some may deem pretentious and unnecessary, reflection on a utopian society. Immediately after viewing I thought I would probably have got more out of this film had I watched it in my teens, and undoubtedly this is a market that this film (and perhaps Clark in general, I don't know, as I say I'm quite ignorant of him) caters for. But on reflection it is a film I feel I would like to return to, if only to revisit its characters. Thoroughly recommended.

Thursday, 3 March 2011

Day Six: First Night at Work

Tonight I went to work at Vanilla. I don't usually work week nights but my boss has torn her achilles tendon so I was covering. I usually buy myself a drink or two after finishing work, and then a take-away on the way home but tonight I did neither.

I had fun with Kam (see below) who seemed to be in a chirpy if slightly manic mood. She is teaching herself how to press play on the decks so we got to listen to rock music after closing, including Papa Roach who I have not listened to since college.

Kam was incredibly flattered to have an elderly lady tell her profusely how beautiful she is

I was going to do another film review but I can't even bring myself to be half-arsed. I'm sure anyone who is reading this will be devestated. Night all.

Stand by the Dead Girl

I went to the pub last night with Lu. I had a diet coke again. I found out that pubs are really boring if you're not drinking. It may be a pattern I've got myself into but it seems drinking alcohol helps me generate thought and conversation. With a diet coke in my hand my mind goes blank. Anyway, that marked the end of day 5 and I'm still clean.

 
 Laura's Half-Arsed Film Review #1


I watched one of my new films last night, Dead Girl. It was fookin' hilarious. Like a messed up version of Stand By Me it is a coming of age film that sees a group of teenagers finding a dead body. Except it's not so much about the journey to find it but more about what they do with it afterwards. It's from the producers of Hellraiser and Heathers so expect some twisted shit. And terrible acting. That's mainly where the comedy comes from.

Off to eat my crumpets........

Wednesday, 2 March 2011

Things I like about today that are not alcoholic

Muller Strawberry Shortcake yoghurt mmmmmmmmm

My new Primarni socks!

Of course, tea.

6 DVDs for 9pence thanks to a Lovefilm Voucher. There is a wine glass in the background, rest assured this is from ages ago. I rarely tidy up.

My new wireless mouse! It's so smooth and responsive mmm

Sleeping Better


This morning I awoke with a start and a realisation that there had been no waking up in the middle of the night and finding it really difficult to go back to sleep.

I always used to equate that behaviour with caffeine, as can be seen from previous posts I am an enthusiastic tea consumer. But now I'm thinking it may have more to do with sugar.

As well as cutting out alcohol I decided to stop taking sugar in my tea as well, as going through a big pack every two weeks slightly freaked me out. Aside from these consumptions I never really had a high sugar diet (except for the comfort/binge eating I would do after a drinking session). Am I experiencing the positive effects of lowering my sugar intake?

I certainly hope so. Since I began this I have been waking up every morning feeling incredibly tired, as if I would need to stay in bed all day. But after forcing myself up and having a good breakfast (which normally involves peanut butter) I would generally be ok. This morning was a little easier, hence me posting on my blog at 8am. 

I look forward to future positive signs of my actions, the first being next monday when I weigh myself. If I haven't lost anything from taking away my alcohol calories and MAKING SURE I'm not replacing them with food ones I will take the pug's name in vain.

Tuesday, 1 March 2011

Day Four - Getting Harder

Today was a beautiful sunny day and as I went to run a few errands in town I was so tempted to have a pint. It would have been automatic at any other time. Plus it seems currently I'm being offered alcohol here there and everywhere, although that's probably just my perception.

Anyway, I'm feeling good because I refrained and I've just done my exercises. Nothing else to say tonight really.

Socks and Scratch

She thought she had eczema...in actuality she was transforming into a werewolf.
Last night I slept with socks on my hands to avoid scratching in my sleep. It reminded me of a friend of mine, Tiger Jen, who I once saw curled up asleep on the end of my bed with woollen socks on her hands. I very much doubt I looked quite as endearing.

If anyone is reading this and wondering what I am talking about, it may an unsavoury subject to some but I will talk about it anyway: my eczema is slowly but surely taking over my body...and my mind. I would like to point out that it has got noticably worse since I watched Black Swan, a film about transformation that I thoroughly enjoyed. I don't think it's too far-fetched to imagine this is actually a physical manifestation of some greater transcendence.

Lu told me I really should go to the doctor. I tried to explain that it was ok, it had now become so painful I am less likely to scratch it. For some reason this did not seem to sway her from her conviction. Hm.

Early this morning I was lying in bed unable to sleep because the urge to itch was so great. I'm not sure I'm fully able to get across how uncomfortable it really is. I began fantasising about applying red hot branding irons to the affected area just to distract me from.....ok, I'll make an appointment.