Right now, I'm sitting in the library (Sackville) thinking about how to start writing my conclusion. I'm sitting in front of a word document with a list of questions I want to have answered, with the world 'Conclusion' at the top. Because this is such a pivotal day in my life as it has been over the past 4 and a half years, and because it serves as a way to procrastinate, I thought I would take a little time to reflect on this.
I feel a little sick. That feeling you get when it feels like air is surging through your limbs instead of blood, a bit light-headed. Trying to remain calm. Did I ever think I would get to this point? Over the past few months, yes, I did. But before that, I'm not even sure I allowed myself to think about it. I'm not sure I could have thought about it even if I tried. It's like trying to imagine what life was like before you were born, or what it will be like after you've died.
I started to think about being titled 'Dr' yesterday, in terms of, this will actually happen, it's not just a self-indulgent fantasy that occupies you as you walk the depressing mile and a half to Salford. It terrified me so much, and made it seem like there was no way I would be able to pass my thesis if that was what was going to happen, I had to stop thinking about it. In part, I think this is what is and will make these final stages of the thesis so difficult. I think this is what makes finishing anything difficult. What you will have achieved is so unbelievable, your mind just can't programme it, it will not happen, therefore you will fail at what you're trying to do now. So run, run away from the end as much as you can. Even if it means undoing everything that got you to this point.
That's the difference between people who succeed and people who don't. Far more so than the capacity of intelligence, more than financial means. Those who choose to continue, those who choose to finish what they set out to do. There are so few people at the top because there are so few people willing to get there.
I'm willing to do this. I choose to finish. And I choose to do it to the best of my ability, rather than taking the easy way out and saying, well if I don't do so well it's because I didn't try hard enough. If I'd tried harder I'd have reached the top but I couldn't be bothered. It was my choice to stay down here and I'm fine with that choice so it's ok.
That's always a lie, always a cop-out, always a way of coming to terms and living with your own failures, your own personal failures I mean, not of the work you've done but the way you've chosen to live your life.
I choose differently.
So, I suppose I'd better get on with this then, hadn't I?
