This is the first night in a long time I have really really wanted to swim in a river, and come so close to swimming. I paddled in the shallow end but that only left me feeling worse and more worthless. So then I began planning on how I can invest in swimming in the river before I realised what I was doing.
Floating on a block of ice doesn't work by the way. Trisha is a huge advocate but it's a load of bollocks.
This is all very self-centred, regarding what is going on outside. But then this blog has always been a diary, never a social commentary.
I wonder if I should invest in a little poison ivy to get through these times. But poison ivy is illegal, and expensive. But then so is eating all the balloons in the jar. Old new behaviours that I really really don't have time for. And no-one can help me, I know this. If I have learnt anything since my first year in Newcastle locked in a room for a year with nothing but red tea and an angry panda for company the only person that can get me through anything is me. But right now I just wish I had time to knock myself out for a while. With a little swimming and poison ivy. Just a week or so. But I don't have time. It's my fault really. I get well enough to take on enough responsibilities to give me that much stress when I fall again and realise I don't have time. This is my career. And the rest of my life. And more than anything right now, I don't want it.
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